How can I be a good Dominatrix?

There are as many ways to be a good dominatrix as there are people, so you really need to know what your submissive wants, doesn't want, is comfortable with, is afraid of, and so forth. A lot of submissives will have great trouble telling you what they want. For some of them, this is because they don't really KNOW what they want. Or, perhaps, they know how they want to feel, but they aren't sure what it is that will make them feel that way. Other submissives do have at least some idea of what they want, but they're too embarrassed to be able to tell you directly. And some submissives know what they want but feel as if it spoils things if they have to ask for it -- they want the impetus for the scene to come from you, and if they ask for something, then it's as if _they're_ controlling the scene, when what they want is for _you_ to control it. And of course, more than one of these can occur at once. A submissive can know only what it is he wants to feel AND be too embarrassed to talk about it AND feel as if it gives him too much control over things if he tells you.

There are a couple of ways around these problems, but they all take a bit of work on the dominatrix's part. For the submissive who isn't all that sure what he wants, you get him to describe how he wishes to feel. You ask him what things in him past have gotten him to feel this way, even if it's only a small and mild version of what he really wants. And of course you also use your knowledge of your partner to guess at what you suspect would make him feel what he wants. You get him to tell you what he fantasizes about (bearing in mind that fantasies are often more intense than anything a person would like to do in real life).

And you experiment. A scene doesn't have to last for hours. In the early stages, when you're just figuring out what works for both of you, you can try something for five minutes. (But just because the scene is short doesn't mean that you take it less seriously. You have to make these mini-scenes as real as your usual ones, or they won't work as a testing ground. Put your all into them, just keep them short.) Say you suspect that your submissive would enjoy wearing a collar. You put one on him, do a few things with it, then take it off and ask him how he felt about it. If you and he both liked it, you can always do it again for longer. But these mini-scenes let you try out things in the knowledge for BOTH of you that if you hate it, it only lasts for a short time -- this takes some of the pressure off.

For the sub who has at least some knowledge of what he wants but who is too embarrassed to tell you what it is, there are a couple of routes to go. You can ask him to write it down and give it to you, since a lot of people can write things that they cannot say. You can also try dominating it out of him -- try winding your hand in him hair, pulling him head into a position that lets you stare into him eyes, and demanding that he tell you what you want to know right now. Or you can threaten some sort of physical punishment unless he divulges the information (only with him permission, of course. The punishment isn't really intended to be a motivator -- it's intended to be a way for the sub to save face with himself. He can tell himself that it's not greedy or forward or too bold or whatever to tell you what you want to know because you're _making_ him tell you). Sometimes just letting him tell you in the dark, when you're snuggled up with your arms around him will be enough.

The sub who doesn't want to tell you anything because he thinks that means that he's controlling the scene or that he's forcing you into something you don't really want tends to be a somewhat harder case, but there are a few things you can try. You can tell him that you aren't promising to do any of the things that he asks for -- you're just asking because as the dominatrix, you have the right to ask any damned thing you please and to get an answer. "Since you are my property, the contents of your mind are also my property, and you will give them to me when I ask" is something you could tell your submissive. You can tell him that you want the information for your own selfish pleasure -- "Making you be submissive in a way that's good for you is likely to be more fun for me than making you be submissive in a way that's bad for you, because the second way makes me work harder for less return. So give me what I need to know to get what I want."

Once you start getting information out of the person, there are a bunch of things you need to know.

1. You know he's interested in being dominated, but what kind?

a. Does he want to do submissive acts for a short time in bed and be equal out of scene, or is he after a full-time submissive relationship?

b. Does he want this to be you and him, or does he want the two of you to assume some sort of fantasy roles, like teacher/student or parent/child or jailer/prisoner?

c. Does he want to be treated as a valuable submissive, or does he crave humiliation?

d. Does he go for lots of symbols, like kneeling at your feet, wearing a collar, and so forth?

e. Are there things that he likes to be made to say? Some subs like being made to say things like "I am yours, Mistress" or "Please use me for your pleasure, Mistress," whereas others find this sort of thing too flowery and prefer sharper exchanges and still others get nonverbal when in scene and find speech annoying.

f. What sorts of things would he like _you_ to say? Some submissives like being called names by their dominants, some like hearing that they are slaves or that they are owned, others like being told about the various unspeakable things that are about to happen to them, others like hearing an explicit list of rules and expectations, others like hearing that their dominant enjoys what he's doing -- there's a really long list of different things that turn different people on.

g. The above point leads in to what is the subtlest sort of distinction to make but the one that will be the most useful. Once you've gotten the answers to the above sorts of questions, you might be able to abstract some sort of general theme that guides your submissive's desires and fantasy life. Some submissives have the "I'm worthless, and I deserve to be punished" mindset, some have a "I don't want to have to take any responsibility, so I want you to control everything" mindset, some have a "I want to be so desirable that you have to take complete control of me" mindset or the "I want us to blend into one person" mindset or the "I want to prove I love you by doing difficult things" mindset or any number of others. Once you've talked and played for a while, you might get an intuitive feel for this. It may be something that your submissive can tell you, but it may not be -- he may not have thought about it or analyzed it to this extent. But if you _can_ figure out what sort of mindset underlies your partner's submission, it makes doing new things and guiding your future play a lot easier. You'll know what new things are likely to work and what won't because you'll understand the underlying motivations.

2. What sorts of things does he like besides D/S? a. Is bondage okay? If so, how much and what kind? b. Is pain okay? If so, how much and what kind?

Okay. So now you know what your submissive wants. You also have to figure out what YOU want. It's easy, when you're first starting out and trying to figure out how to be a domomatrix, to imagine some stereotypical stern, sneering dominant and try to emulate that image. But not all of us are cut out to fit that mold, and luckily for us, not all submissives _like_ dominants who fit that mold. You need to find _your_ personal style. The best style for you is not the one that's the closest to the stereotype, it's the one that makes your eyes light up and your energy rise and makes you feel that THIS is the best you've felt in a long time.

Of course, your style will be influenced by your submissive's style. The sort of submissive who wants to be forced into submission will elicit a different response from you than the sort of submissive who wants to lay him submission at your feet like a present. And of course, some submissives can do one thing at one time and the other thing at another time. Just to keep you on your toes. :-)

Don't worry if it feels sort of strange in the beginning. However, if it's TRULY not for you, don't force yourself. But do give yourself a little while to try it on and get used to it before you decide whether or not it's for you.

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